After the doctor tells you that you have skin cancer, you are faced with an enormous number of tasks. You need to know all you can about the type of skin cancer you have, the prognosis for treatment and what happens afterwards.1 You also need to ensure you have a solid support group around you. In order to do this, you need to face one of the toughest assignments you have ever had in your life – telling your friends and family.
You are Not in this Alone
If you get skin cancer, you need to remember you are not alone. The first thing you need to do is arm yourself with as much information on your cancer. You need to:
- Talk to your doctor about the diagnosis and prognosis
- Look at literature online, in books and journals
- Talk to others in the same situation
- See about support groups for yourself, your family and friends. There are various community resources you can look into as well as online resources
Once you have gathered enough material about the type of skin cancer and what you may or may not face, prepare yourself to talk with your family and friends.
The Talk
Be sure you have everything clear in your mind. Emotions should never be ignored, but it may be better to keep everything calm and under control initially. It is not essential that you tell everyone about your skin cancer. It is important for you to decide, in advance, who you want to know and who your family and friends can also tell.
When you are ready, consider the following suggestions as a basic guideline:2
- Be straightforward and honest.
- Provide everyone with distinct and clear guidelines outlining specifically what it is and how it will affect you
- If the discussion of skin cancer seems too overwhelming, too long or too involved, supply them with suggestions as to what they can read to clarify it.
- Friends and family will want to know what they can do. Do not say “Nothing.” Do not imply, “Everything is under control.” Let them know how they can help e.g. transportation to and from treatment, housecleaning, and preparation of meals. Even if it is a seemingly frivolous or insignificant task, it will let them feel they have a say and are contributing to your well-being.
- Remember. No matter how close you are to another individual, they are not able to read your mind. Never assume they will know what exactly their role is, what they can do to help or even how you “really” feel.
- It is also important to realize your family and friends may feel in a variety of ways about your skin cancer. The emotions may range from sadness to anger. They may also feel uncomfortable with the entire situation and not know how to express their concerns or feelings. Reassure them as much as you can, but do not make light of the situation. This is particularly true if you are suffering from advanced skin cancer
- If the treatments involve chemotherapy or radiation treatment, be sure to let them know you may not always want to see them. Let them understand in advance that this is possible and you do not intend to hurt their feelings.
- Do not let anyone and everyone treat you in a totally different fashion. Let them know you want your life to retain a semblance of normality as long as and as much as possible. This provides you with something solid to work with. If children are involved, normality is always beneficial.
Always keep in mind that your friends and family care about you. They want to help you through this hard time. While some may not adapt well to the situation, you will find out that some friends and family members are amazingly resilient and very helpful.3 They will truly be there when you need them the most.
Special Issues Concerning Advanced Cancer
If you suffer from advanced skin cancer such as malignant melanoma, talking to family and friends may be more difficult. Nevertheless, you need to be totally honest. It is important you and your close friends and relatives understand the course this disease may take. It helps you and them to prepare for any eventuality from recovery to recurrence to death.4
You need to put into place a support system for both your family and yourself. This is particularly true if you have children. They need to understand what is going on and can happen in a fashion that they can understand. Community resources include counselors and online resources can offer you some excellent and ongoing advice.
Throughout the entire process one thing is the most important element to keeping yourself, your family and friends on the same page. It is communication. You need to talk about what is happening. You need to find some way to explain how you feel and where this new road is going to take you. Furthermore, you must gear it to satisfy both your needs and those of the individuals involved. This is particularly true when children are involved.5
If you find yourself unable to cope with telling friends or relatives, refer them to other sources. Have a list of reference material for them to look up. There are also excellent books on the subject. Online resources and local community groups can also provide you with help and them with guidance. Even if you do not have family or close friends nearby, you can obtain help and reassurance. You will find you are not alone in your battle against skin cancer.
References
1 Eyre, H. J (Eyre, Lange, & Morris, 2002). Lange, D. P. and Morris, L. B. (2002). Informed Decisions. Second Edition. Atlanta, GA: American Cancer Society.
2 American Cancer Society (2011). “Talking With Friends and Relatives about Your Cancer.” Retrieved from www.cancer.org/Treatment/UnderstandingYourDiagnosis/TalkingaboutCancer/talking-with-friends-and-relatives-about-your-cancer.
3 National Cancer Institute (2011). “Taking Time: Support for People with Cancer.” Retrieved from www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/takingtime
4 American Cancer Society (2011). “Talking With Friends and Relatives About Your Cancer.” Retrieved from www.cancer.org/Treatment/UnderstandingYourDiagnosis/TalkingaboutCancer/talking-with-friends-and-relatives-about-your-cancer.
5 Stanford Medical (2011). “Coping With The Diagnosis of Cancer.” Retrieved from cancer.stanford.edu/information/coping/
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